You Are Loved

An excerpt from my daily journal and a constant reminder of words I’m always afraid to hear.

Dec 14, 2016. 

It only takes a second to make a whole hearted decision to change… If the world can feel it… Then in turn, it will give you some answers.

Dec 15, 2016. 

A little note is scribbled on the top and it says: Life Changing, with two stars drawn beside it. 

Goal planning session today at TM… I bawled my eyes out as Paul really hit home, as he looked at me in the eye and said, You are perfect. 

I don’t know why that was so hard to believe, but maybe deep down inside…

I didn’t want to believe him. I didn’t want to believe myself. All this time, I’ve looked so lowly on myself and denied myself of what I really want the most.

I want to be loved.
I want to be cherished.
I want to be treasured.

I have to let this feeling go… Let it run free and accept it. Just make a real decision…
I really, really want to change my life. 

Even Paul said I could do it… and I felt his certainty and belief in me. It’s been so long that someone has ever looked me in the eye and said that. Today will truly change my life.

Dec 16, 2016.

Remember April,

You are loved. 

You are cherished. 

Collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

– Howie Day

There has been much thought, discernment, prayer and perhaps a little chaos that has been on my mind for the last couple of days.

It all started last Thursday and Friday, when a rather surprising confession revealed itself to me, shaking me off the steady ground I’ve always been on for the past few years.

I’ve always known that I am a goal-oriented person: I get things done, I am self-motivated, and for the most part… I am still very much eager to pursue my dreams in life.

My journey started four years ago when I made the decision to take the leap of faith to drop everything, and pursue my passions and my dreams.

I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today, yet still – I still feel incomplete. I still feel that I am not enough.

A good friend of mine had given me a wake-up call last Thursday, December 15, 2016: making me realize all the things I was too scared to admit to myself:

I always tried so hard to be everyone to the people I care about. I cared so much about them that I forgot about myself. Despite all the things that I’ve been through… and all the awesome things I have accomplished all these years, I still feel I am not enough… I still feel that I am not there yet. I am not worthy to give myself the success and the love that I have always longed for… 

The only thing really stopping myself was me.

I didn’t believe in me.

I didn’t think I was worthy.

That was a feeling I would never forget. All my pent up emotions suddenly came out like water that was overfilled in a jar. I didn’t know why it hit me so much… I was expecting harsh words and disciplinary actions from my good friend – after all, that was his character to others.

It felt so strange to me that he showed me with such kindness, that it even made me question whether he was just saying that to make me feel better.

But I quickly realized that perhaps I didn’t need harsh words anymore. I didn’t need any more pep talks about discipline, motivation, or a change of perception.

I already beat up myself at a daily basis… he probably sensed that I didn’t need anymore than I already do to myself.

It felt so good crying that day – just letting all my anxieties and worries out. It felt so good to accept that I was still broken, still a little scarred from all that’s ever happened, but that’s okay.

It’s okay.

It’s not too late to stand up again and make myself a better person.

It was during that day that I really made a strong decision to myself that I would not bring myself down like that anymore. I would not be haphazardly going through life like I did 4 years ago, thinking I can do it all myself.

The truth is, I can’t – and now I’m okay with that fact.

That’s what people are for – to help and support me in my journey.

It was during that day I really decided to change my life for the better.
No more aiming too low, no more disbelief – only pure trust, faith, belief, love and the certainty that I am able to do what I need to do.

I can do it. I can… and I will, and I am.

But you see? It’s absolutely funny how life works… in the midst of all the realizations and the truths I came to accept on that very day… as the next day unfolded, it was almost an instant answer from the universe and God himself…

It was almost as if they were just hiding the answers until I was ready.

It’s definitely, absolutely funny how life is.

 

Just when I finally was open to meeting somebody, but wasn’t really looking for anyone…

You came into the picture.

At this point, I tell myself, why not? There’s nothing to lose.

I still get this uneasy feeling around me – but perhaps that’s just my thoughts and my past haunting me. I guess I’m still scared to let myself go and be in the open again: to be vulnerable and to offer myself – even just with friendship.

 

I definitely feel Howie with his song…

The more I try to deny it, the more I try to hide it…

Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I somehow find you and I…

Collide. 

Reading Between The Lines

Hi, stranger.

It’s been a while. I’ve seen you stealing glances from me, as if to let me know – I’m still here. I raise my eyes when you aren’t looking, but sometimes you catch me and I catch you…

What do I do? Do I smile? Do I look away?

I’ve been purposely avoiding you since then – I needed my focus and I needed a lot of time to sort everything out. I needed time alone. My sense of self and my sense of purpose were all falling apart.

But now I am here. Now I am in front of you.

Now I am not afraid.

Hello WordPress.

Is it too late to say, can we start over again?

Awake, yet again

Awake yet again from the long hiatus from my digital space!

Admittedly because of life and non stop travels to places known and unknown, I’ve been relying heavily on my written daily journal to record my thoughts there instead of here.

There’s absolutely nothing like free writing with pen and paper.

It feels so freeing.

Major lessons learned these past few days, weeks and months:

  • Everything has their own timing. Forcing things that aren’t supposed to happen will only hurt you in the end.
  • It’s normal to fall down, but never stay down forever. It’s never too late to do anything, or to start over again.
  • No matter what circumstance I am in, the only comfort I know is God is here to teach me valuable lessons. I know that he is also planning my life in a beautiful and majestic way.
  • Focus: what you think about eventually grows and manifests itself.
  • Momentum: the hardest part isn’t to start, but to keep going and going. Life just doesn’t stop, it’s an ongoing journey.
  • Be at peace.

Last but not least…

 

Travelling is hella fun.

Japan, you are forever my favourite country.

To more adventures in the future!

Seventh Step: Level Ground

There comes a time in my life where I realize….
All the giants and champions I’ve ever met are all the same.

Theres nothing special about them:
Everyone is human.

No matter who they are, what they are, what they’ve been through and what their future holds, we are all the same.

We laugh, we cry, we hope and we dream. We feel sadness, sorrow and pain. We persevere, believe and love.
We give, we trust.. and we all get hurt.

The difference between them and us?

Their commitment, perseverance, discipline and belief to achieve whatever is necessary.

Raining blessings with a chance of AWESOMENESS

Words cannot fully express the feelings that I am experiencing at this moment.

Happiness. Excitement. Thrill. Hope. Faith. Trust.

I’ve been struggling for quite some time in my career to grow and build a bigger organization – everytime, there’d always be something like people problems, place problems, family problems and all other imaginable problems that exist in the world.

But you see, they’ll never go away. It’s how we handle these challenges that make us better and stronger.

Today, I am so thankful for the AWESOME momentum I’m gaining back again in the business. From the very positive feedback of the blue books to a business block acquisition of clients… I think I can really say life is HELLA good!

I know this is only the beginning and greater things have yet to come from this little one.

With God’s grace, I pray for constant guidance and discernement for the right things to do.

Yay. Yay indeed for awesome times.
Work double hard to keep the momentum up and running!

Little Things 

Signs of changing habits: showering at night to mark a physical change in mental habits.

Mental habit change: entrepreneurial mindset, trainee mindset, trainer mindset, instructor mindset… Builder mindset. 

Mechanics change: Organization, scheduling, time management and prioritization.

Other signs of changing habits: doing the little things cconsistently, everyday without fail.

As little as these may seem, over the long term, these little things add up. Little things, when done repeatedly become big things. 

And with big things come big results. But apart from that, never fail to strive for significance and excellence.

A Champion’s Journey

Wow. I’ve been away from my site for a couple of days now. It feels weird not writing, but I’ve been religious at keeping an actual paper journal still so I can visually see what I felt and what I learned during a particular day.

I guess today’s post will be catch up!

June 30 – July 3, 2016: Road Trip 

It was a family road trip to Alberta. On the first night, we had a stop over at this sort of creepy Wilderness Resort in Lac Le Jeune. Don’t get me wrong; the view was wonderful, but at night, my imagination starts to run with all the possibilities of what could be lurking around in the forest and in the lake right in front of us.

At night, I did hear a wolf howl (yes, a damn wolf, not a friendly dog) but I was quick to ignore it and went back to my slumber. Needless to say I wasn’t able to sleep that well that night, and I kept fidgeting around until it was morning.

It was cold despite the days being summer… but I should’ve figured… We were in the mountains, deep in the forest, beside the lake….

Anyhow. Check out this view though! 


 The next few days, we traversed the long road and we went around Lake Louise and Lake Moraine. Lake Moraine was my favourite by far. There’s many trails you can do around the area and the hiker in me definitely rejoiced at the fact of a good workout and stellar views.

Lake Louise: it was a little cloudy. Cloudy with a chance of sunshine!

Damn these mountains. So beautiful. 

Lake Moraine: God bless you nature. 


The next morning, we visited Drumheller and the Royal Tyrell Museum.


 My childhood dreams of seeing dinosaurs came true. In my paper journal, I wrote down a lot of notes pertaining to the museum and the information I came across while I was there.

It was so fascinating to see just a tiny glimpse of what the past looked like, and the possibilities of what our ancestors had gone through in the several, different eras of human civilization.

The rest of the days were just going around and driving back home.

To be honest, that trip was probably comprised of 80 – 90% driving.
And of course. 

The Canadian Rockies. I haven’t uploaded my actual camera ones…. but here’s a sneak peek!

^ candid photo of me laughing. Probably the best. Haha.

July 4 – Present Day, 2016: Work, work, work, work, work, work 

Double time and double work as I missed the momentum in my business.

Looking back at it now, perhaps time with the family and time for myself was exactly what I needed to recharge and to perform better in the next few days.

A lot has happened, career and business wise, but the bottom line is: I have renewed hope and vigour for a brighter future.

I’ve already been in the Financial Services Industry for almost four years now. The first three years were mostly my learning curve, struggles, hardships and the development of my skills as a person, advisor, trainer and a speaker.

However, I don’t regret anything that I’ve been through. I learned a lot over the years and I was just telling my best friend yesterday: things definitely happen for a reason.

If I did not go through whatever I went through in the past three years, I would not be able to carry the load and the burden that I have in my life right now.

I am stronger now.

To cut a very long story short, once again, I’ve made a very hard decision to stop my association with certain people that have never helped me in my business, and start a new relationship with the people that care and will look after me.

I am thankful for the leadership that were able to appreciate my talent and capabilities.

I am thankful for giving me a chance to prove my worth and to prove to the whole world that I am made of some special stuff.

It’s been a very long time that I’ve felt this kind of certainty that I can finally…  finally change my life.

I think I’ve found my home.

Welcome home, April.

This is my home… My home for champions.

 

Silent Fire

You call me selfish and you point your finger at me telling me I never cooperate, but did you ever cooperate with me? Did you even help me when I needed it? Did you even support me one bit?

Did you even recognize what I am really worth?

You only want me back when someone else saw my worth.

You’re only going to use me anyway. Why the HELL would I believe you anyway. You never appreciated me even just as a person.

The One Chronicles: Career Crush

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I still need to update this section in case my memory fails me… at least, I’ll know where my heart fluttered or did not flutter to!

Going back to the man of the hour… I can only be so bold to post this because I know he does not know my personal rant site….

But I still have some sort of decency, so I’ll place a read more tab to those who want to filter out some cheesy things from this post.

Continue reading “The One Chronicles: Career Crush”