Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
– Howie Day
There has been much thought, discernment, prayer and perhaps a little chaos that has been on my mind for the last couple of days.
It all started last Thursday and Friday, when a rather surprising confession revealed itself to me, shaking me off the steady ground I’ve always been on for the past few years.
I’ve always known that I am a goal-oriented person: I get things done, I am self-motivated, and for the most part… I am still very much eager to pursue my dreams in life.
My journey started four years ago when I made the decision to take the leap of faith to drop everything, and pursue my passions and my dreams.
I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today, yet still – I still feel incomplete. I still feel that I am not enough.
A good friend of mine had given me a wake-up call last Thursday, December 15, 2016: making me realize all the things I was too scared to admit to myself:
I always tried so hard to be everyone to the people I care about. I cared so much about them that I forgot about myself. Despite all the things that I’ve been through… and all the awesome things I have accomplished all these years, I still feel I am not enough… I still feel that I am not there yet. I am not worthy to give myself the success and the love that I have always longed for…
The only thing really stopping myself was me.
I didn’t believe in me.
I didn’t think I was worthy.
That was a feeling I would never forget. All my pent up emotions suddenly came out like water that was overfilled in a jar. I didn’t know why it hit me so much… I was expecting harsh words and disciplinary actions from my good friend – after all, that was his character to others.
It felt so strange to me that he showed me with such kindness, that it even made me question whether he was just saying that to make me feel better.
But I quickly realized that perhaps I didn’t need harsh words anymore. I didn’t need any more pep talks about discipline, motivation, or a change of perception.
I already beat up myself at a daily basis… he probably sensed that I didn’t need anymore than I already do to myself.
It felt so good crying that day – just letting all my anxieties and worries out. It felt so good to accept that I was still broken, still a little scarred from all that’s ever happened, but that’s okay.
It’s not too late to stand up again and make myself a better person.
It was during that day that I really made a strong decision to myself that I would not bring myself down like that anymore. I would not be haphazardly going through life like I did 4 years ago, thinking I can do it all myself.
The truth is, I can’t – and now I’m okay with that fact.
That’s what people are for – to help and support me in my journey.
It was during that day I really decided to change my life for the better.
No more aiming too low, no more disbelief – only pure trust, faith, belief, love and the certainty that I am able to do what I need to do.
I can do it. I can… and I will, and I am.
But you see? It’s absolutely funny how life works… in the midst of all the realizations and the truths I came to accept on that very day… as the next day unfolded, it was almost an instant answer from the universe and God himself…
It was almost as if they were just hiding the answers until I was ready.
It’s definitely, absolutely funny how life is.
Just when I finally was open to meeting somebody, but wasn’t really looking for anyone…
You came into the picture.
At this point, I tell myself, why not? There’s nothing to lose.
I still get this uneasy feeling around me – but perhaps that’s just my thoughts and my past haunting me. I guess I’m still scared to let myself go and be in the open again: to be vulnerable and to offer myself – even just with friendship.
I definitely feel Howie with his song…
The more I try to deny it, the more I try to hide it…
Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I somehow find you and I…